Babydeltic

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Zontar was born in Rotherham in 1841 and spent his early life working as a pit pony at various south Yorkshire collieries until some time around 1850 when he was recruited into Will Wilberforce's traveling curio & freak show. After three years on the road traveling the length & breth of Britain as well as a six week stint in Belgium, Zontar decided that life in the Victorian era was basically shit, so he traveled forward in time to 1967 were he planned to get involved with the hip London scene. This meant Zontar did not exist between 1850 & 1967 although it is believed he briefly materialised on a remote island in the Indian ocean around 1921 by mistake. Zontar's plans to make inroads on the experimental jazz scene, experiment with LSD & get involved in booze & drug fueled orgies on the Edgware road came to nothing. A flat he had been promised in Maida Vale under the homeless alien rehousing scheme of the late 60s also fell through when the government did a u-turn and denied the existance of aliens even though they had spent some £7 million re housing them since 1964. Zontar spent the winter of 67-68 living in a ventilation shaft near to Kings Cross thoroughly disillusioned with life in swinging 60s London. This is where his interest in railways was spawned.He'd trawl the rubbish bins of Kings Cross station and sometimes St Pancras looking for used ticket stubs to eat, & riding the outer suburban commuter trains posing as a French dissident. By the summer of 68 Zontar had been drawn back to his Rotherham roots, with a spell at Silverwood pit, before moving on to Orgreave then Manton in late 1970. After a brief cameo appearance in the 1971 film "Get Carter", that wasn't actually used and ended on the cutting room floor, Zontar resumed his career working down the pit. The lure of the bright lights proved too much for Zontar and after spending Summer season of 1973 on display in a Bridlington wax museum, he again headed to London and back to his old haunts of number 6 ventilation shaft which had by now been bricked up. Just before Christmas 73 Zontar finally got his big break into television appearing in " Carbon composite unit 3" for The Open University, which was aired on 12th January 1974 at 2.30 am on BBC 2. Although the money wasn't great,just £3 a week. Zontar soon spiraled into the heady world of Open University stardom, with invites to discussions on quantum relativity & beard clubs. Before long he was spending all his money on corduroy jackets, cheep booze, even cheaper birds and could often be seen face down in the gutter in the dingy back streets around Kings Cross. On 8th May 1974 Zontar made his final appearance on " Carbon Composites Unit3" in a state of obvious inebriation. When asked by co-host Rudy Askin, "What does the steady curve on the Y axis prove when related to the resistance curve on the carbon rods luminance output if X = actual wight and N =relitive functioning weight and D=Delta wave output?" After a long pause Zontar gave his now legendary reply," It proves it won't fit up yer fucking arse you camp old twat" So ending what had been a promising TV career. Zontar was blacklisted by all the TV companies. The final blow for Zontar was came when a planned appearance on Dr Who was canceled, the reason being given that he wasn't convincing enough as an alien. A brutal accusation, as in the mid 70s most of their aliens were made out of bubble rap. Overcome by bitterness & self loathing in late 74 Zontar switched his brain off. He remained in the dusty inards of ventilation shaft 6 throughout 1975 & well into 76, when he was awoken by the Kings Cross electrification work. He took on bar work in the local strip clubs and soon started doing impromptu stand up comedy routines when fights broke out. Before long word got round that a cheeky four-foot alien was packing them in at seedy comedy clubs on Pentonville Rd. Zontar soon started getting offers of work, he starred in a fireworks safety public information film as a hideously burned child, then got the part of a novelty lamp in a Play for Today. Zontar had moved out of ventilation shaft 6 and was living in a modest flat on Greys inn Rd, when the call came from the BBC for him to appear in the 1977 Morecambe & Wise Christmas show as Elton John's stand in dummy.Early 78 saw Zontar appear in the children's TV show Playschool as Hamble's replacement. He only lasted for three programs as a national outcry saw Hamble reinstated. Zontar was still riding the crest of a wave of popularity when he replaced the toy with the big shinny head behind the black board on later versions of testcard "F" that was shown on BBC2 from 6.30 am till 9.05 am on Tuesdays in Wales & the Sutton coalfield areas, a roll that he would continue in until autumn of 1981 when he sensationally quit through fear of being typecast. The offers of work dried up, just as he was ready to throw in the towel for good,a new challenge beckoned, Zontar won a part in lunchtime kids TV show Pipkins. Filming was due to begin in the spring of 82. When Zontar arrived at the ATV studios to start filming on March 18th to his horror the building was boarded up. Not only had Pipkins been cancelled, but ATV had closed down several months earlier and no one had thought to tell him. Throughout the early eighties Zontar trawled the gaybars of Dublin... err no he didnt, thats something else. Through out the early eighties Zontar split his time between ventilation shaft 6 in winter & an abandoned lightbulb factory in Dewsbury, which he would travel to for the summer. He toured briefly with black sabbath in 83. The turmoil of the miners strike had a profound effect on Zontar & he briefly became a flying Pickett, but was unfortunately sacked from the group shortly before their Christmas 1983 hit,"Only you",With yet another missed opportunity under his belt Zontar spiralled into depression once more. In May 1984 he walked the 312 miles from Pontefract to Tintagel in Cornwall, found an isolated cave,ate a Cadburys curly wurly that he had shop lifted from the kiosk at Dewsbury railway station several weeks earlier before maticulously disposing of the wrapper by burning it, mixing the ash with sea water & then drinking the mixture, before walking the 314 miles ( he went back a slightly different way) to Pontefract. A chance meeting in a Doncaster working mens club in late 84 was to drastically change Zontars life. He was supping a pint in Hexthorpe Miners welfare one Tuesday dinner time when the late actor Oliver Reed walked in, threw a crisp £50 note on the table and uttered the immortal line to the bar man, " buy all these working class pigs a drink". As it happens Tuesday dinner times were a bit slack and the only working class pigs in there were Zontar & Albert Taclock from Coronation street, so they had a right old piss up with Ollie arm wrestling both Zontar & Albert Tacklock, before Olie whipped out his mighty mallet to show off his legendary tatoo. Zontar & Oliver reed became firm friends an wrote to each other on a regular basis right up to the actors untimely death in 1999.